Scene: A couple sits in a car outside a castle. It is night and it is raining.
C: Okay okay, are you all ready to go?
D: Yes, yes. I will not mess it up this time. No more clean ups like the last time.
C: The last times.
D: Okay whatever. Let’s go do this.
They leave the car and scurry to the castle attempting to cover themselves from the rain with limited success. They knock at the door. A window opens.
D: Ahem, uh, yes.
C elbows D.
C,D now speak with German accents when talking with E.
C: Steps in front of D to speak to E. We are here to see the tapestries. This is a castle. It has tapestries, yes?
D: Well, are you going to let us in or what?
The door opens. They enter. C,D make a big show of drying off.
D: I cannot believe you made us wait out in the rain that long, do you know who we are? Nevermind that. We don’t have all day?
C: Please. Just, show us around the castle. We are interested in purchasing one or more tapestries.
E: A beat passes. I do not know who you are or why you are really here. Yes, this is a castle. And yes we have many tapestries. But these tapestries are not for sale. Some have been here for more than four hundred years.
D gets excited. C shushes D.
E: continues And even if we were to sell them, we would never, ever consider selling them to eyes up the guests once again strangers such as yourselves.
C: Ahem. See, well, it is not a total coincidence that we are, yes, here.
D: Yes, see, we have become aware that the, em, proprietors of this castle.
C: Proprietors, yes.
D: Yes, the proprietors of this castle may be in some financial, em.
C: They may be having some financial difficulties.
E: I know nothing of what you speak of.
D: continues Yes, yes. Some difficulties. And we are here to help out with these difficulties. Any way we can.
C: See, we heard about these difficulties through another client of ours.
E: In an attempt to regain some ground Whom? If I may ask.
D: Ah yes, well, we cannot say.
C: Yes, yes, we are in a very private business you understand.
D: And we will maintain any business agreement that we come to tonight strictly among us. Among the three of us here today. Tries to give E a knowing look.
E: Pretends to not understand the knowing look. Well, you two seem to know what you are talking about. I will show you some of the tapestries. Follow. Starts to walk off into the castle.
D: Aside to C Whoa! We’ve never gotten this far before! I… I’m not really sure what to do anymore!
C: Aside to D Cálmate. And keep it down. You’ll be fine. Just as we practiced. Now, do as your told.
D: As they catch up. Yes, yes! This is very exciting! I do love old tapestries so very much. In fact ever since I was a child I was always…
C elbows D.
D: …ow! Nevermind. So, while we understand that the quantity of tapestries is considerable, what of the quality?
C: We are interested in both the age and the condition – if they are worn and how well they have aged over the centuries. We want to fully appreciate the works at this lovely castle, of course you understand.
E: Without looking back The tapestries here are both old and well taken care of. You should find many to your satisfaction.
C: Starting to get excited. Ah-heh, yes! Well, we shall see.
E: Here is our largest ballroom. It is home to forty of the finest tapestries. There are many others on the property, but this should give you a good sample to begin your search. I will wait by the door while you examine them.
C,D begin around the wall examining tapestries talking in hushed tones.
C: How old is this one?
D: I have no idea!
C: Stops and stares. Then what good are you? Go keep an eye on our host. We don’t want any misguided phone calls.
D: As you command. Joins E.
C continues examining the tapestries.
D: Help! I’m being held against my will by this… forger? I think? I need you to help. Quick, call the cops!
E looks at each of them, then decides, nods agreement to D and turns to leave to find a phone.
C: From across the room, without hint of an accent Stop. Pulls a gun. Points it at E. Both D,E raise their hands.
D: No, wait, you don’t have to kill again. We can, we can both be your hostages! Yes, we will work together better as three no doubt.
C: Would you please drop that awful bloody accent? You’re terrible at it.
D: Without accent, and edging away from E. Fine, but there’s no need for anyone to die. I want to help, WE want to help! Nods vigorously, gets E to do the same.
C: One partner, I only ever have at most one partner.
E: Please, there’s no need to kill me, I will do as I’m told. I’ve done nothing but help you.
C: Yes, you’re right. There’s no need to kill you, yet.
D: Yes! Thank you! Now, um, wait, one second here, if you only have one partner…
C: To D …Then I only need the one who actually knows about tapestries. Turns and points gun at D and shoots in the chest. E gives a quick but controlled start and a small hop. Come on, let’s get working.
E: Um, yes. What, what is it that you want exactly?
C: Look, the police could be after us so it’d be best to move. And don’t think I won’t use this on you if I have to. But I’ll let you go if we can come up with the needed tapestries.
E: Yes, of course, um, what do I have to do exactly?
C: Well, I’ve only got two more castles on my list. If those don’t work out, well, let’s just hope that they do, for all of our sakes.
E: All? ALL!? I think it’s a bit late for that! Continues to stare in shock at D.
C: Hmm? Oh yes. Well, there was nothing to be done but what I did. You’ve seen the act so you shouldn’t have a problem pulling it off…
E: I… I don’t know if I can, I might not…
C waves the gun at E.
E: Yes, yes, I can, I can do this. No, no problem at all.
C: Yeah, that’s what I thought. Now, do you have any gasoline? Kerosene maybe? We have to torch this place before we can move on.
E: What?! Why? There’s no way I’m torching this castle. Nosiree.
C: Gun? Remember? And when they find the body they’ll be after us big time.
E: Us? There is no us. Just you. And a big gun. And won’t they be after us if this place is on fire?
C: Oh, they’ll be after something. But they’ll be so lost. They have been so far anyways. Here we go. Starts pouring kerosene around the body, and then all around the rest of the castle.
E is frozen at the sight of the kerosene poured everywhere.
C: Come on! Get out of here and start looking up directions to, uh, here! Hands E a slip of paper who takes it as if in a trance.
E: What, uh, what do you want a tapestry for anyways? You’re a, a forger, right?
C: Yeah, well, something like that. My employer needs it okay?
E: You’re not even working alone? Oh god you are going to kill me.
C: No I’m not. Still waving the gun around, but now without thinking about it. E is thinking about it. You gotta pull yourself together. I just need to find the right tapestry to forge a certain very old very expensive painting. Don’t worry yourself with the details, I’ll give you the specs for what I’m looking for on the road.
E: Still panicky …
C: It doesn’t have to be a certain one. Look, I just need the threads in a tapestry.
Composed July 21, 2013.
Inspiration: Towards a holographic theory of cosmology – threads in a tapestry